Angel Day

November 27, 2018

I've been dreading this day for a while now. Afraid that I would feel too much. Afraid that I would feel too little. Afraid that whatever I was feeling wouldn't be enough. One year ago today, my husband and I experienced one of the hardest things a couple can face: we lost our baby. Just four short weeks before his scheduled delivery date, our little Enoch's heart stopped beating and our own hearts shattered. One year. It hardly seems possible.

I took work off today so I could handle whatever emotions I had coming at me. Surprisingly, the emotion I felt the very most today was PEACE. Perhaps it's not surprising, after all. Ever since Enoch's passing, I've been overwhelmed with peace in the knowledge that our little buddy was in safe hands. I think it helps that Enoch's Birth/Angel day is the same day as my older sister Denise's birth . . . just 49 years later. Denise also died young. She and my younger sister Tonya were both killed in a car accident nearly 21 years ago. Denise was only 29. Tonya was just 17. I felt the same sense of peace after their passing. I have no doubt that they were among those in heaven who were there to receive their nephew as his little spirit entered their place of rest.

That's not to say I never grieved the death of my loved ones. I sobbed over the loss of my Enoch, and was devastated over the loss of my sisters. But after a even a little while, peace enters my heart, and I'm so grateful for that!

Today my husband, kids and I went to the cemetery where Enoch, Denise, and Tonya all rest. We decorated the headstones of the birthday twins, sang "Happy Birthday," and released balloons with messages of love for our baby boy. If he has trouble reading it, I'm sure Denise and Tonya will be there to help him out. :)

I am overwhelmed with gratitude by how okay I am about all of this! There have been times when I've felt a little guilty that I don't sorrow over him more. But those are the moments when I'm reminded that we all grieve differently, and I don't love and miss him any less because I've chosen to move on with my life. When I die, of course I'll want the people to whom I'm the closest to sorrow at my loss and to remember me, but I feel it would be completely selfish of me to wish for anyone to put their lives on hold because I'm no longer with them. I'll want them to continue to live their lives to the fullest, and when my loved ones do remember me, I hope that they'll do so in such a way that they'll want to live their lives just a little better. I'm confident that my Enoch expresses the same for me and for my family. Thank you, my buddy! Happy Angel Day!